Thursday, December 5, 2013

NO pAiN, NO gAiN

Today I am sad. It's quite odd the things that make me ache for more children... My son Jack has a terrible stomach bug and was throwing up all day yesterday. Although I held back a few gags from time to time, I didn't hesitate to snuggle him and risk my clothing, furniture and hair from getting yucky. I just held Jack, rocked him, rubbed his back and kissed his head between sickness. This was a bonding moment and it took me back to the days of 4 a.m. feedings. Quiet and full of unspoken love. Jack and I have had some precious times amidst sickness and sadness. And I am grateful for those sweet, sweet times with my baby. Today I found myself aching to hold more children like that. I want to bless as many children God will give me with snuggles and kisses. I will clean up vomit at 1 a.m. and give hugs and kisses during their illnesses. I will always feel complete as a mother with my Jackie. But today the ache to give him siblings and me and Tyler more children is unbearable. 
Today was actually a big step for me. From the beginning of this journey I have told myself that God was refusing me more children because my mothering is less than perfect. But for the first time since we started trying for Baby #2 I feel like a good mom worthy of bearing more children. I am loving and nurturing, and my future (maybe) children are lucky to have me as a Mommy. *phew* that was even hard to type. I am tempted to follow it up with a bunch of crap about how I know I'm not perfect and I'll always be striving to be a better mom, but you know what, I'm going to leave it alone.
The inability to conceive more children came as a surprise, and sometimes I am still shocked to be fighting this battle. And lately the sadness I feel is inescapable. This quote I found on Baby Center says it all perfectly, so I thought I'd share:
"I am running a race. A race I didn't sign up for. A race I didn't train for. A race I know nothing about. But deep down in my heart I know I'll find that rainbow at the end. 
I hire coaches, paying them a lot of money to help me through it. But not even the most knowledgeable coach in the world can promise me that I'll ever make it to the finish line. They can't even tell me what mile I am currently on. I am struggling between giving it my best and giving up, between running as fast as I can and taking a break to save my energy and money. An exercise so natural to most is turning into a traumatic experience for me. Sometimes I feel I can see the finish line in the distance and get hopeful only to get crushed again and again and ending in hopelessness. 
And then I get back up and start all over. Struggling at every turn, wondering if I am going the right way this time. All of a sudden this race is turning into a full time job and an emotional roller coaster that is out of my control. If I only tried a little harder, then maybe I'll get a little closer. And then again, maybe I'll never make it.
It's a lonely race most of the time - few people are running, mostly undercover. Sometimes there are family and friends standing on the sidelines trying to support, but they don't understand what all this running is about. And sometimes I feel like I am just running myself into the ground." -kati&jerry

No comments:

Post a Comment