Sunday, October 27, 2013

On your mark, get set... WAIT.

"It was only later that I understood enough about female reproduction to realize that if I wasn't cycling, I certainly had not been ovulating. So many emotional highs and lows, and there hadn't even been an opportunity for conception!"
-- Jennifer Saake, Hannah's Hope

When I read this line from my new favorite infertility book, it clicked. I finally was going to be able to explain to others why this journey of trying to conceive, was not actually trying to conceive... because I have not been given even ONE opportunity to "try" and conceive.

This past week has been emotional for me. Our TTC journey is, still, disappointing. As I watch Jack play with other children at the park, and his cousins at family gatherings, my heart aches to give him a sibling to play with. A sibling to giggle and misbehave with. A sibling to make fun of mom and dad and discuss their parents' embarrassing efforts to be "cool". I want it so bad it hurts. Up until this point my goal has been to take this process one step at a time. First goal-- OVULATE. then we will tackle the many steps to achieving a healthy pregnancy and birth. But lately my heart had gotten ahead of our plans and I long for another baby to nurse, cuddle, keep me up all hours of the night, and play with his or her sweet big brother. But in order to get a baby we must conquer so many steps in getting there: ovulate, time intercourse, egg meets sperm, uterine lining remains thick for implantation, embryo implants, hormonal levels remain balanced to keep embryo implanted... for 9 months! And then birth a baby. Man, that is a lot of steps... and we can't get past the FIRST STEP! As I typed that, I shouted with frustration, could you tell?

What this all means is: I am not a good candidate for IUI or IVF until we can get my body to produce follicles large enough to release a viable egg. And my body is not cooperating one. single. bit.
I have been told by one doctor that I will never conceive on my own and we should begin to look into adoption. Another doctor has said to just "wait on my body" and my most recent doctor is intent on loading me up with more hormones to force that little egg out. So many roads we can try... so overwhelming.

I apologize this post was pretty depressing. But lately I have sat down on my computer wanting to blog, and I would choose not to because things are not looking up and I don't want to be a downer, or depress those of you who struggle with infertility as well. But  if I wait to only blog about the positives in this journey, then you will be waiting a long, long time on a new post! So here I am, once again, sharing my life with the world. The good, the bad, and the ugly.