Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Wife as a House

Stay at Home Mom.

That is my title, and that is exactly what I do. I am a Mother, and I stay at Home with my child. Day in, and day out. I do not get sick days, or vacation. I go weeks without seeing a single Friend but my husband. And if it weren't for Facebook and texting, the world may not realize I am still alive and kicking. 
I plan our days, meals, activities, clean-up, play and sleep time. This routine is consistent down to the hour, and Play dates and extravagant outings are far and few between. 

I have chosen to devote my life to raising our child within the home, and Tyler and I agree that it was the BEST decision we have ever made. I LOVE my child, and I LOVE being a Stay at Home Mom. But like any career choice, it comes with difficulties and sacrifice. 

It is my identity. My whole identity. Somewhere in the last 2 years I have lost Robyn. Spontaneous and carefree wife, supportive and consistently encouraging Friend... Robyn. She is there, begging to be free! But when it comes down to it, and she has a chance to escape, the fear of stepping outside the comforting bounds of "stay at home mom" world, keeps her locked up. Robyn bubbles up every now and again, but in a flash she is replaced with potty training and toddler tickles! These are wonderful things, fabulous and fulfilling in fact, and my daily dose of Jack is never too much! But finding the balance between these worlds was something I didn't see coming when I decided to become a SAHM. Who I used to be before I became a mother was replaced with... becoming a mother. The two worlds crowd each other, and have trouble co-existing. So my "Mom world" took precedence. 

I know I am not alone, and I KNOW there are Moms who will read this and think, "ME TOO, ME TOO"... But what do we do about it? How do we support one another? How do we find the balance between WIFE, MOM, FRIEND and ME? If someone has the answers for us... please share!

Moms-- some days are great, right? In fact, most days you watch your children play and learn, and think, "how lucky am I?" But there are days that fall on the Calendar too often that are down right lonely, depressing and confining. One day like that, no problem... two, okay I can deal... three, that's life as a mom... but then you get used to it, and it eats at your other world, and your identity. That is where I am... I'm in too deep. Escaping the comfy, lonely hole I have crawled into will be hard. But is IS necessary, for my son, my husband, my friends, family and myself. 

The reason I write all this will seem off topic... But it connects, I promise.

I have recently decided to limit my Social Media use. *Confession: I am on Facebook A LOT.* But the reasoning behind it is what caused me to question my identity as "mom". You see, I use Facebook as a way to see into Society. To see what my Friends and Family are up to, and to let them all know I am here. But I do it from a distance. I can safely "stay at home" and pretend I am a part of society. It makes me feel like people can peek into my life and be apart of it somehow. Being a SAHM is lonely, very lonely. But here is my problem... My life is going to remain lonely if I am only staying connected with the world through Facebook and Instagram. I NEED to be a part of the world outside my home. I NEED Robyn to re-enter my daily routine. 

How that will look, I have no idea. What will change about our daily routine, not a clue. I'm still gaining courage to figure that out, and if I find the magic answer to being the perfect person, I'll let you all in! Until then... we can rejoice in the eagerness for positive change, even if it takes time. :)