Sorry it's taken me a while to write a new blog post. First things first, I'll update on my pregnancy:
I am 19 weeks pregnant with a baby GIRL! We have decided to name her Charlotte Dean. Charley for short. So far we know she is healthy and growing on track. I have yet to gain any weight (woo!!) but my belly has popped forward for sure! I have had a pretty easy pregnancy. Morning sickness still comes around every once in a while and I always have to pee, but other than that I feel great! I'm sure that will all change in the coming weeks and months ;)
I am finally feeling little kicks from Charley! I had felt little flutters every now and then, but I wasn't entirely sure they were bubbles of baby kicks or gas ;) Last night I felt my first real KICK! In fact now she won't stop moving! I feel her all the time! It's an amazingly beautiful feeling. With each little kick I thank God for blessing us with this pregnancy. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for God giving me a chance to grow this precious life. I know many women who would give anything to be in my shoes, and that is why I do not take one moment of this pregnancy for granted.
Honestly, that is a big reason why I am finding it hard to blog about my pregnancy. I try not to put too much on my Facebook about baby Charley, and I abandoned my blogging for a while.
I am feeling a lot of guilt. Guilt for being chosen to grow another life, when many other women have not been able to grow even one. I feel guilty for praying for a girl, and receiving a healthy girl in return. I even feel guilty for being so excited to mother another child. My heart still aches greatly for women who are not given this opportunity.
A friend once told me that my Infertility may still affect me if I were to ever get pregnant, and she was right. My eyes have been opened to the pain of Infertility, negative pee sticks, and child loss. It's something I will never forget. Although I am extremely thankful to finally get pregnant, I can't help but still ache for women who cannot conceive or carry a baby to term.
I worry about Charley constantly. I bought a Doppler Heart rate Monitor so I can check in on her every few days. I will always be afraid of losing her. When I start to get attached to those kicks and fall in love with the sound of her heart, I try and stop myself. It is a constant battle, and I know there are women who can relate to those feelings. I know God will even out these emotions in time. But I don't want to ever forget about the women who are still fighting the battle. Heck, I'm still fighting the battle... I will always worry about my children.
I'm sure I'll be the helicopter mom everyone makes fun of. But I'll learn to let God take control... eventually!
If you know someone who struggles with Infertility, Miscarriages, or Child Loss... Pray for them and reach out to them. Send Flowers and offer a hug. Don't let it be easy to move on if you have children. There are women still stuck at the starting line with a lot of pain in their hearts and empty arms.