Wednesday, February 5, 2014

^^ Every Storm Runs out of Rain ^^

Well it's about time I update you all on the ugly "I" word...

Last month I decided to do a medicated cycle with a medicine called Letrozole, paired with an HCG trigger shot. The Letrozole did it's work and gave me one mature follicle (house that holds the egg) and we were able to trigger it to release the egg on day 12 of my cycle. I'll never know if I ovulated that cycle since I was immediately put on a Progesterone supplements a few days after the trigger shot (checking progesterone levels is how they confirm ovulation) I was very hopeful up until a few days after the trigger I started feeling sharp pains, familiar pains, on my right side where the follicle was... a cyst. I just knew it. I tested negative (many, many times) and went on to get, yet another, period.
Our plan was to do this two more times, adjusting details as we go. I was very hopeful we would get the timing right and these medications would work!

Well Insurance thought other wise. I was recently informed we have reached our cap for Infertility treatments under my Insurance. So all in one swift Walmart run to pick up my prescription, the opportunity to do a few more medicated cycles was stripped away. Insurance was refusing to cover my medication, and it is too expensive to purchase out of pocket. I put a brave face on, thanked the Pharmacist for doing everything she could, went around the corner and bawled right there in the tampon isle, clutching to a box of Tampax Tampons... knowing I will be making this purchase again next month, then the next, and... *sigh*

I know my journey is hard to understand, but this was not the ending I had in mind.

Before struggling with Infertility I was confused why so many couples only tried to conceive for a few years before giving up and moving on... why didn't they try everything they could, IVF is cheaper than adoption, save up your money and try it all for Pete's sake!

But being on this side of things I am singing a COMPLETELY different tune. THIS JOURNEY SUCKS. Never tell an Infertile otherwise, you'll see an ugly side of her. Haha.
And at some point you have to decide to let go and live your life..."trying" (and failing) is exhausting, time consuming, costly and completely draining in every sense of the meaning.

Our chances of conceiving naturally are slimmest of slim. After 20 cycles total, 11 of them medicated, I should know. That does not mean I will not pray like I have never prayed for my BIG GOD to bless my womb. But it means choosing where to go from here is a tough decision to make. What is my new normal?

I will continue to pray to a God who is bigger than technology and medications. My HOPE is in Him, and I will rest in his ever flowing GRACE and PEACE.