Monday, December 23, 2013

1 Step Forward... 2 Steps Back... 1 Step Forward

Woah woah woah... VERY emotional, stressful, overwhelming and confusing few weeks. Many tears have been shed, and I have realized my strength is merely... survival.

So... I'll dive right in. We have decided NOT to do the injectable cycle in Tulsa. I have already cancelled all of my appointments with the Tulsa Center. That door is closed, and we are relieved and at peace with that decision.

There were MANY reasons why we decided against the treatment Tulsa was offering. I listed them in my last blog. But what caused us to quit on Tulsa completely? The whopper that made us take a GIANT leap back from the hormonal injections? Honestly... I don't have the mental and emotional strength to handle it. Sure, I could endure. But not without hitting rock bottom and taking my son and husband down with me. That's not fair to them, and it is not fair to me. We all need a break! These past 2 years have been nothing short of exhausting. I feel down right worn out, mentally, physically and emotionally. About a week ago I discovered I have reached my breaking point. I was emotionally incapable of pushing myself further, and I had no choice but to take a step back. It felt gooooood.

I visited with a Fertility Specialist in Bentonville, AR last week. I had made the appointment months ago and forgot all about it. As it approached and my feelings toward Tulsa became sour, I decided to meet with this new doctor on a whim. I told her EVERYTHING I had been through. I told her about my emotional and mental stress, all the fertility treatments I had been through so far, and that I was NOT willing to drive 3.5 hours to see a doctor who is going to charge me $100 just to hear my husbands test results over the phone. I said I want to start small and work our way up, and I am not willing to give up on my body and I have faith in my ovaries, no matter their condition. We talked for over an hour and for the FIRST time, I FELT HEARD. She was caring, kind, understanding, sympathetic, and the best part is I didn't feel pushed to do anything she suggested. The choice was allll mine! FINALLY. After 4 doctors, I have found the one! *applause*

My Medical Records are being faxed to my new awesome possum doctor today and she will review them with me and give us a second opinion. If we decide to move forward with a smaller treatment option with this new doc, ALL the monitoring can be done in Branson. This was the icing on the cake to a wonderful appointment. No driving! Seriously people... this is a big deal. The Tulsa doctor didn't allow any monitoring to be done outside their facility. So that alone brings my anxiety down about 17,000 notches :)

We ARE still trying to conceive. Honestly, I will never be able to fully "give up". But for now, I am comfortable with the effort we have made thus far, and I know my limits. We are praying this new, fabulous doctor can help us come up with some more simple steps towards conceiving.

Please pray for us as we continue this journey. We are headed in a new and peaceful direction, but that doesn't mean I feel better about my infertility. I feel the pain of it every day, and my lack of hope in the ability to conceive is pretty heavy on my heart. I need prayer. WE need prayer as we continue to take steps on this broken road.

1 comment:

  1. It has been quite a ________ two years for you guys for sure!!! (fill in the blank with any number of words - so many are fitting!) We are absolutely praying with you through all of this. For wisdom, physical and emotional strength, finances, direction, miracles, stress levels, you name it. We love you so much and are here to support you through it all! I noticed the word peace a few times in this post and I am so glad you have been able to feel that at times. Praying for the next small steps with this new doctor. So glad you feel comfortable with her! Keep on taking good care of yourself and your family and don't be afraid to ask for help with anything! Love you lots!