I am writing this post within the sanctity of my bedroom walls. Jack is out in the living room watching the Lorax and I am in here googling "How to calm an angry mom" and "Why am I such a bad mom?"
While google actually gave me some great advice on how to calm my anxiety and strive to be a better Mom, I can't help but think, I can't be the only Mom who traps herself in her room and bawls her eyes out.
Last night I poured myself into bed around 11 p.m. and gave myself a much needed pep-talk. I confidently told myself that tomorrow I was going to be the perfect Pinterest Mother who's pockets are full of crafts, healthy snacks, no TV, and a loving patience at all times. Today was NOT my Pinterest Mom day. In fact about an hour ago I punched a wall... How's that for a confession.
After being woken at 5:30 this morning and barely dragging through Story time at the Library and playtime at the Park, I wanted...no I NEEDED a break. We have all been there, "Lord if I could just get one hour to myself I will become a Missionary in Africa for the rest of my days..." Lets just say I owe God a heap of Mission work.
Nap time rolled around slowly and I couldn't wait to get Jack down for his nap so I could rest. Jack could sense my eagerness for alone time. He could smell it on me and all during lunch I'm sure he was plotting his nap time demise. It took me two hours to get him to go to sleep. two looooong hours. I was not giving up. He WAS going to nap today. After he was finally asleep I began boiling the water for my hot tea and snuggled onto the couch for a little power nap. Just as I was about to close my eyes, Satan showed up on my front lawn. Okay that was a bit dramatic. It was the lawnmowers and they, too, were out to get me. Jack was awake and crying within seconds of their arrival and I was, to put it lightly, angry. They must not have children, I thought allowed. It took every fiber of my being not to stomp onto my front lawn in tears and tell them just how badly they have ruined my day. Instead of opening the front door I heaved my fist into it and began to cry embarrassing toddler tears. Anger. Defeat. Failure. I began to label myself and decided in that moment of pure vulnerability that I was a bad mom. I was a bad mom for being so desperate for nap time. I was a bad mom for losing my temper. I was a bad mom for thinking I am a bad mom.
I can't do it all, and when push comes to shove, I fail. I lose control. But here I am, an imperfect Non-Pinterest Mom. I don't feed my family all organic food while keeping my grocery budget to an all time low. I do not shower and primp everyday. My child watches far too much Television. I have not dusted my house in months. And I get overly angry at lawnmowers for waking my child. I will say it again, I am not perfect. WE are not perfect. Thank the Lord for imperfection or this world would be boring and far less dramatic. We are all failures at times and even after we have failed, we fail again in how we deal with our original failure. But we are growing and stretching our character every day. And those growing pains can be downright... painful.
But at the end of the day we have the chance to start over.
I know with certainty that Jack will fall asleep in his crib tonight at 8:30, and tomorrow God will give me a wonderful gift... a chance to try, try again.